Jealousy

Is a funny thing, especially for me. I've never really been a jealous person, of course there have been times when I've wanted what someone else had, but I wasn't ever jealous of the person for what they had. If I wanted it badly enough I'd find a way to get one of my own.

That's how it's always been.

What brings this up now are the people that Facebook and Myspace recommend to me as "friends," people that I've neither seen nor thought about since I graduated high school 6 years ago (has it really been 6 years, fuck I'm old). I see their shining faces looking out from their little picture windows and am always surprised by how much you can tell from a profile picture and a status update. If people are married, have children, have pets, if they party, stay at home, work, slack, etc.

It's fascinating to flip through their lives with the same carelessness and detached interest that you exhibit reading a magazine in a doctors waiting room. I tend to learn more about myself than them.

I've recently learned that although I don't get jealous or bitter when I see schoolmates with things that I don't have, I do get the occasional snark twinge. I don't know what it is about the high school years that always brings out my bitchfactor, but it's there. Even when I know that the self-satisfied, content feeling that comes with seeing into the lives of others is only temporary and most probably incorrectly placed.

I wish I could give the feeling a better name. It's a mix between smugness and contentment, it crosses the line occasionally into a holier-than-thou attitude and usually straddles the well-wishing line.

Is there a word for that feeling you get when you see someone else with all the good things you thought you wanted and all you can think is: I still wouldn't trade?