French Maids and Why I Need One

1. Because they're awesome.
2. Because I wouldn't have to clean my house any more.
3. Because I like their nifty outfits, especially their frilly hats.
4. They have to have a good sense of humor, who else would wear that get-up and still be smiling 5 hours later.
5. They have nice accents.
6. They might know some french men.
7. Do they do windows? If they do windows I definitely need one.
8. They're sex on toast.
9. I like toast.
10. I also like pie.

Halloween Carvings

2007





2008



2009

Hate

I've been thinking about hate a lot recently. When I was young my sisters and I used to scream our hatred of each other for everyone to hear when we got mad. Just the word hate would send mom careening down the hallway towards us like a bullet. She'd lean down, look into our faces and say, "we don't hate in this house, we don't say that word, you DO NOT hate. You may not like someone, but you never hate."

I don't think any of us girls got it back then. I "hated" everything, my sisters, boys, math, science, that bitch who betrayed me in theatre, red lights, and getting my picture taken.

The hate of a teenager is a massive and fluid thing. That's the type of hate that isn't hate at all. It's testing boundaries, trying to control your hormones and wondering just what the fuck happened to make you such a basket case.

As I get older mom's words make more and more sense. I've never really hated anyone or anything. Not in a lasting way. There's only one time in my life that I think I experienced hate as a real emotion and with a few years and a lot of growing it's disappeared.

Lasting hate, irrational hate, the hate that leads to violence I've never felt nor understood. I'm glad. I can't imagine carrying that around with me.

Mom's a wise woman.

We don't hate in this house.

You may not like someone, but you never hate.

After getting that lecture from Mom my sisters and I would look at each other, stick out our tongues and say, "I really, really dislike you."

We were so sweet.

The New Phone

As most of you know, my 1st Gen iPhone finally died. It was a combination of things really. The toilet episode, lots of droping, etc. but the final straw was when I bought a cheap, non-namebrand charger on sale. I brought it home, plugged my phone in and the screen ran this horrible series of varying blackness. It did this for 10 minutes before it finally settled down into sheer blackness.

I tried restarting it, a hard shut down, re-syncing it with the computer. I called Apple, I searched on-line, I called my Dad. Nothing helped, nothing was bringing my baby back. I went to bed hoping in vain that I'd wake up the next morning and my sweet little phone would magically be better. I'd touch the home key and the screen would light my life back up with it's warm mechanical glow.

No such luck. Two weeks later and I still can't get so much as a sizzle out of it.

So I got a new phone. I looked around for a while first, checked out the other non-iPhone options out there. But lets face it, it's impossible to go back to a normal phone after the iPhone. So after doing my due diligence I bought a new iPhone, got a new plan and waited for it to arrive in the mail.

I loved my 1st Gen like a child, I still have it tucked away in my desk. I can't get rid of it, I probably won't ever. But this new phone the 3Gs is AMAZING. It's everything I want and 100 times more. I can't think of a single thing that I want that it can't do.

I need to tell if a table is level - there's the app.
I'm having trouble falling asleep - there's an app.
I really want to play Scrabble - app.
I need to make a grocery list - app.
I wonder what phase the moon is in - app.
I'd like some Mistletoe - app.

I'm not even kidding. I have all of these apps.

This phone is my Holy Grail, it's the Hall to my Oats, the Aladdin to my Jasmine, the Fred Bird to my Ozzy Smith, the pop to my tart.

So yeah, I'll always love my first, but this is a different kind of love, a new love that transcends time and space.

At least until the next iPhone release.

It's Fucking October!!!!!!!!!!

Finally! Finally! Finally! I have a deep and abiding love for October, the weather, the cider, the leaves changing, but mostly it's Halloween bitches!

I love Halloween. I have no way to form coherent sentences about how fantastic, amazing, and fabby I think it is.

As I told a group of friends recently:

Halloween is by far the most fun holiday, you get to put horrible, repulsive things out all over your yard and your house, talk about severed body parts and blood without being judged, watch terrible movies, get sick on candy, AND dress like a dirty pirate hooker.

I get most excited about pumpkin carving. I'm slightly obsessed with it. I've done it every year since I've been on my own. Mom was never a big one for the mess it caused so we always just drew faces on pumpkins instead (which totally sucked 'cause I can't draw a straight line to save my life).

The first couple of years were rough, I didn't do very detailed work and usually ended up cutting my pumpkin to shreds. I've gotten MUCH better since I moved into my own house and bought a lot of practice pumpkins.

I'll probably update later with pictures of previous years because I'm way too proud of them.

Happy October everyone!