Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Friends and Christmas

Now if any party should be fun it should be a party with your friends.

This is the first mistake that amateurs make when invited to a Christmas party by friends.

There are a few important tings that you should consider before accepting that invitation:

How long has it been since I've seen these friends?
- If it's been a few days to a month give yourself a point proceed to the next section.
- If it's been a month to a year think this out a bit more. Did you really like these people to begin with? That's a long time to not see someone, there's probably a reason. That reason probably includes awkwardness, satellite friends who will be in attendance and think that sexual harassment is an acceptable form of human interaction, or exes. No points awarded.
- If it's been longer than a year there isn't much to think about. Think of all the time you'll have to spend catching up, feigning interest in their lives. How much they've changed, how much you've changed. The empathetic glances you'll be bestowed with if you attend alone, the jealous glares you'll receive if you bring a date along. Go if you must but be prepared for awkward silences and bring alcohol. Congrats, you're in the negative point brackets and you've only just begun! Minus 1


How far away are they?
- If they're less than 15 minutes away give yourself a point and proceed to the next question. No travel time and if the party sucks you can sneak out and be home and in your comfy flannels in no time at all.
- If they're 15 minutes to an hour away that's a little trickier. It is winter after all. If it snows or ices heavily are you really okay with spending the night with these people? Sleeping in a house full of drunken party goers is never a good idea, no matter how passed out you *think* they are. No points awarded
- If it's more than an hour you cannot drink at all. You also may need to spend the night at said friends house (see above for problems with that), at a motel ($$), or in your car (fail). Minus 1 point.


Finally: How good a friend are they?
- If they're the best friend you've ever had, you've known them for years, you're their children's Godparent, and you KNOW they'd be there for you, of course, it's no contest, you should go no matter what. Plus 5 points
- If they're your good friend, you went to college together, always had a laugh, played wingman for each other, roomed together, let you cry on their shoulder when you didn't make the high school play. Sure, think about it, but also take into account any aforementioned satellite friends who will also be in attendance. You may have to put up with some real bitches to get a few minutes with a decent conversationalist. Plus 3 points
- You ARE the satellite friend. Don't be that guy, just don't. Minus 4

If you have 4 or more points go, if you have less don't. It's that simple.


"Friends" You'll See at the Party
Marriage Marge: Yes, I'm happily married with 2.5 kids, a golden retriever and a calico cat and I want to show you pictures for at least two hours.

Fratboy Frank: Hells to the fucking yes I'm still drunk from last night. Hell I'm still drunk from last week. Why would I want to stop living the college dream. I may be 32, but I party like a Freshman bitch!

Old Oliver: I know I shouldn't really be here, but I came with Frank, he's my roommate. I know I'm about 10 years older than everyone else at the party and completely out of place with no friends, but I had nothing else to do with my time and my walls kept threatening to eat me.

Topless Tara: I used to be so wild in college, showing my tits to everyone, but they were so fantastic, how could I not? I may be married with small children but I'll still pop 'em out if you'd like.

and the ever popular:

Debbie Downer: Life in school sucked, life out of school sucked, everything sucks. I hate you for everything you have and I don't. Now I will cling to you mercilessly and tell you all my sad stories. I'll probably snot on your shirt.


What I'm really trying to say here is that you should all stay home and become hermits like me. It's warm and cozy in hermit land. Join me.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Family Christmas Parties

Let's discuss Family Christmas first.

If you have a small family, a Family Christmas (yes both words MUST be capitalized) may not terrify you the way it does me. If you are one of the lucky few with 10 or less people in your family in three generations . . . well, I hate you, I guess.

For the rest of us here's what we have to look forward to:

- As many as 4 or 5 Family Christmas
- Travel on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
- Fights
- Double booking parties
- Fights about double bookings
- Awkward gift exchanges
- Sharing
- Aunts who smell and want hugs
- Lipstick prints from aforementioned aunts
- Offensive jokes from uncles
- Cousins you hate
- Fights
- Christmas Mass with the entire family

Here are the unspoken rules for the many family gatherings you'll have during Christmas:

1. DO NOT under any circumstances mention any of the following:

  • your uncle's recent trip to the Betty,
  • your great aunts funeral and who did and did not show up
  • your younger cousin's possible mental illness and/or serial killer in-the-making tendencies
  • the recent release of your grandfather from prison and the "new friends" he made while there
  • the current living arrangements for half of your family
  • the money that your older brother owes you from that drug deal that went south on him two years ago
  • your mother's latest and greatest nervous breakdown


  • 2. DO NOT comment on a new photo, painting, statuary unless you are prepared to listen to a story that goes on for 30 minutes and provides nothing of value or interest.

    3. Just give in and play Carrom, Super Smash Bros, Slap Jack, or Catch Phrase with your younger cousins. You know you'll have to at some point, just remember to protect your knuckles in Carrom, shield your face if you win at Smash, wear gloves during Slap Jack, and keep it clean in Catch Phrase

    4. Have some pie, even if you don't like it, you have to have at least one piece unless you want your Great Aunt Mona to cry, do you want her to cry, why do you hate her pie, WHY DO YOU HATE HER?????

    5. Fall asleep early and often on the nearest couch. Yes people will make jokes about it the rest of the year, however, you get out of talking to people, cleaning up, don't have to give up your seat, AND you get rest and relaxation. If you find you can't fall asleep surrounded by 30 people, just pretend, start writing your next novel in your head or something. Get creative.

    6. If you are relegated to the cold floor out of respect or fear of your elders make sure your placement is no where near someone over the age of 60. This is not ageism, it is merely self-preservation. These people have just finished a very large, very gaseous meal, they are old, they aren't able to hold in their emissions, even if they could they wouldn't. They're old, they'll do what they want. Stay up wind.

    7. Enjoy the kiddie table. Yes you're sitting in the coldest room in the house, at the smallest table, in the worst chairs, with the messiest eaters, so what. Treasure this time, because if you ever do move up to the adult table you'll just have awkward conversations, be forced to look at pictures of children and grandchildren who "couldn't make it but wished they were here", and pretending you can't smell the caster oil and hemorrhoid creme seeping from the red hat lady sitting beside you.

    8. Be vicious during the gift exchange. It's called Rob Your Neighbor for a a reason. Don't be afraid to do it, it's the only revenge you're allowed to take for the trauma you're enduring. Take that silly putty from the 7 year old, steal that antique ironing board from your newly married and moved cousin, but stay away from anything in a bag if you pick from the pile, wrapping paper is your only smart choice. Unless it feels like books, the books are ALWAYS bad.

    9. If you're already the favorite of a certain relative make sure to hang out as much as possible with that person. It never hurts to reinforce how awesome you are. Sure it may not result in any physical gain, but you can lord it over all the other family members your age. If you aren't anyone's favorite find the meanest most senile one and take turns tossing zingers at each other. It's fun for you and them, plus if you say something too mean they'll forget later.

    10. Finally, enjoy everything about it. Sure, you're family isn't all sunshine and roses, but no one's is. This family is yours though and that makes it better. If you get frustrated, bored, insulted, or hurt just take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective. It's fucking funny, don't even pretend it isn't.

    Ahh Family.

    Thursday, December 17, 2009

    The Oil Change Saga Continues

    I'm taking a trip after Christmas. It's going to be a long one; the first long one I've taken in my beautiful new car. I want it to be in the best possible condition for taking said trip, it's like an athlete you know, you've got to make sure it's warmed up, trained, full of fluids, and . . . vacuumed out?

    Anyway, that means a trip to the local Speed Lube and a visit with my least favorite and most inappropriate mechanic.

    He was there, as he always is. They opened the back doors and waved me in. As soon as I stepped out of the car he told me to turn around, get back into it and go home - they were closed. I smiled uncertainly and hesitantly re-opened my car door. He rolled his eyes, murmured something I couldn't hear and flipped up my hood. I head inside to the waiting room only to find the heat off and the plastic lawn chairs that normally adorn the room MIA. I head back into the garage where the warm air pours down from the ceiling.

    I have been effectively trapped into watching my car get her oil changed and chatting with HIM while it happens. I pull out my iPhone and pretend to be very busy and important. He snidely comments that iPhones are "fucking pieces of junk, but you must collect junk since you're driving a Pontiac."

    I look justifiably horrified and am unsure what I'm supposed to say in reply. Not only am I unhealthfully obsessed with my phone, but I'm also in a special kind of love with my beautiful 2008 Pontiac Vibe (we're coming up on our year anniversary in January!!!!).

    I point out that this car has rave reviews from Consumer Reports, was manufactured on the Toyota assembly line, and has been nothing but fabulous since the day I got it.

    He goes off on a tangent about foreign cars.

    I try to change to conversation back to something I'm more comfortable talking about, Scarlett Johannson. I know from previous experience that he's a fan and I'm more willing to talk about the "screwability" of a starlet than about how my taste in cars and electronics bites the big one.

    This conversation somehow morphs into a diatribe from him about how he IS NOT attracted to any males and is as NON-GAY as you can get. In fact, he isn't even attracted to himself. He doesn't think he's good looking at all and would never "do" himself.

    I go back to talking about cars.

    How is this dude the manager? I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that most of what he was saying was supposed to be a joke, but even as one long joke it's a horrifying way to communicate.

    I may end up making these bi-monthly visits into bi-monthly blogs as well. I had intended on never going back to this particular place, but it's a gold mine of awkwardness.

    Wednesday, December 16, 2009

    Christmas Parties

    Are inherently awkward.

    There I said it, that thing that everyone always thinks but never says because anything that has "party" in the title should be fun, right?

    Wrong. Christmas parties are just rife (ripe? what's the correct phrase? I just googled it and both could work, but rife fits better. I win) with opportunities to make everyone uncomfortable and get your invitation for next year revoked.

    There are three types of Christmas parties, each one with it's own unique set of rules, expectations and traumatic ways to go wrong: Family Christmas, Friends Christmas, and Office Christmas.

    Lets Discuss these in the following posts, shall we?

    Wednesday, December 9, 2009

    More Christmas Past

    My Senior year of high school was the first time I was ever able to afford to buy gifts for others.

    Honestly that's what changed my whole Christmas experience. All the fun came back. I was finally able to treasure the gifts I got because I realized how much thought, time, and care went in to picking them out, because I had spent months doing the same for them. Every gift was precious because it was from them, because all they wanted to do was make me happy. Put that smile on my face, you know the one, the one that comes along when someone finds you that perfect gift. That gift that you didn't even know you wanted. That something that proved that they knew you so perfectly and cared about you so much.

    That's my goal with Christmas every year, finding something that gives them that smile. I don't manage it every year, but I see it enough to keep me going.

    So that's my Christmas Secret. Why I love Christmas so much, why I start listening to Christmas music on December 1st and keep listening until it goes off the air. Why I want to spend every spare moment with the ones I love. Why I love wrapping presents with expensive and beautiful wrapping paper. Why I write Christmas cards every year. Why it's hard to frown in December.

    It's just around the corner. Spread the Christmas Love.

    Monday, December 7, 2009

    Christmas

    I know, I know, it's still to early to do a Christmas post. I'm going to do one any way.


    I used to be a real Grinch during the Christmas season. I remember in Middle School how much I hated what I considered a pale imitation of a pagan festival put on by Hallmark. Still, as Christmas got closer I'd get a childlike joy that I worked hard to squash into a tiny, bitter, little ball by Christmas Eve. I'd sit through Christmas services at church with a smirk on my face, attend my Great-Aunts Christmas Eve Party with an eye roll and a plead for my parents to let us leave in an hour. After the party we would always drive around looking at Christmas lights, I would pretend I was asleep in the car. We'd get home and Mom would make us change into the most horrific matching Christmas pajamas in the world. My sisters and I would dutifully put them on and go to bed.

    The next morning we would all wait for our Grandparents to arrive, open our presents and after everything was open a terrible, awful, hateful thought would run through my mind: Is this it? Even as a preteen monster I felt awful for feeling that way. I couldn't figure out what I was missing, why Christmas stopped being fun, why I wasn't happy or excited for it any more.

    It wasn't even about not getting what I wanted for Christmas, my parents always pulled out all the stops and I'll be the first to admit that my sisters and I were incredibly blessed and even spoiled by them during Christmas. It was something that I couldn't understand. Why was Christmas always such a huge build up and then such a huge letdown?

    I felt that way until my Senior year of High School.

    Saturday, December 5, 2009

    Correlation does not imply causation

    It just doesn't, so please stop using it in arguments.

    Thanks.

    Thursday, December 3, 2009

    Who ARE You?

    I was chatting (and by chatting I mean typing) with some friends a bit ago and the subject of personality tests came up, specifically the Myers-Briggs test. It seemed that most people who have taken the test agree with it. Not just my online besties, but also most of my co-workers.

    I guess a few years ago the Company had them all take these tests to expand their minds or some other weird corporate brainwashing thing. Anyway, most of them still remember the tests and what their results wound out being.

    It's kinda cool, I ended up being an ISFJ.

    If you want to take the test yourself: Humanmetrics.

    I suppose that's all for now.

    Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.