Friends and Christmas

Now if any party should be fun it should be a party with your friends.

This is the first mistake that amateurs make when invited to a Christmas party by friends.

There are a few important tings that you should consider before accepting that invitation:

How long has it been since I've seen these friends?
- If it's been a few days to a month give yourself a point proceed to the next section.
- If it's been a month to a year think this out a bit more. Did you really like these people to begin with? That's a long time to not see someone, there's probably a reason. That reason probably includes awkwardness, satellite friends who will be in attendance and think that sexual harassment is an acceptable form of human interaction, or exes. No points awarded.
- If it's been longer than a year there isn't much to think about. Think of all the time you'll have to spend catching up, feigning interest in their lives. How much they've changed, how much you've changed. The empathetic glances you'll be bestowed with if you attend alone, the jealous glares you'll receive if you bring a date along. Go if you must but be prepared for awkward silences and bring alcohol. Congrats, you're in the negative point brackets and you've only just begun! Minus 1


How far away are they?
- If they're less than 15 minutes away give yourself a point and proceed to the next question. No travel time and if the party sucks you can sneak out and be home and in your comfy flannels in no time at all.
- If they're 15 minutes to an hour away that's a little trickier. It is winter after all. If it snows or ices heavily are you really okay with spending the night with these people? Sleeping in a house full of drunken party goers is never a good idea, no matter how passed out you *think* they are. No points awarded
- If it's more than an hour you cannot drink at all. You also may need to spend the night at said friends house (see above for problems with that), at a motel ($$), or in your car (fail). Minus 1 point.


Finally: How good a friend are they?
- If they're the best friend you've ever had, you've known them for years, you're their children's Godparent, and you KNOW they'd be there for you, of course, it's no contest, you should go no matter what. Plus 5 points
- If they're your good friend, you went to college together, always had a laugh, played wingman for each other, roomed together, let you cry on their shoulder when you didn't make the high school play. Sure, think about it, but also take into account any aforementioned satellite friends who will also be in attendance. You may have to put up with some real bitches to get a few minutes with a decent conversationalist. Plus 3 points
- You ARE the satellite friend. Don't be that guy, just don't. Minus 4

If you have 4 or more points go, if you have less don't. It's that simple.


"Friends" You'll See at the Party
Marriage Marge: Yes, I'm happily married with 2.5 kids, a golden retriever and a calico cat and I want to show you pictures for at least two hours.

Fratboy Frank: Hells to the fucking yes I'm still drunk from last night. Hell I'm still drunk from last week. Why would I want to stop living the college dream. I may be 32, but I party like a Freshman bitch!

Old Oliver: I know I shouldn't really be here, but I came with Frank, he's my roommate. I know I'm about 10 years older than everyone else at the party and completely out of place with no friends, but I had nothing else to do with my time and my walls kept threatening to eat me.

Topless Tara: I used to be so wild in college, showing my tits to everyone, but they were so fantastic, how could I not? I may be married with small children but I'll still pop 'em out if you'd like.

and the ever popular:

Debbie Downer: Life in school sucked, life out of school sucked, everything sucks. I hate you for everything you have and I don't. Now I will cling to you mercilessly and tell you all my sad stories. I'll probably snot on your shirt.


What I'm really trying to say here is that you should all stay home and become hermits like me. It's warm and cozy in hermit land. Join me.