After Christmas Special

So the day after Christmas we left for our big trip to Tennesse and the beautiful Smokey Mountains. We took two cars down, with 8 people, we kind of had to. My parents, grandpa, FES, CG, and my sisters and I fill up a car pretty fast, and that's without suitcases.

CG managed to get stuck with driving my car. Since the man is 6'6 on a short day and shaped like a capital T, it was really an act of mercy, he would have been very unhappy in the back with his chin on his knees and his shoulders shoved into the person next to him. Meg got the passenger seat as she's a very vomit-y type of girl. Me and Myme took the back. That left Dad to drive the other car, with FES riding shotgun since she gets sick on car trips as well, and Mom and Granddad in the back.

We definitely had the cool car, our 7 hour trip consisted mostly of Meg playing angry college music and Myme and I playing Pokemon on my Gameboy Color (with Pikachu emblazoned on the front screen) and SP respectively - shout out to the old school homies.

We headed to Nashville first to stay at the Opry Hotel, which is super-duper fabulous. It's an indoor botanical garden of awesome. We had good pizza, got a little grumpy, and went back to our rooms where I watched a show about some very cute beavers (get your mind out of the gutter, these were for-real beavers) and wanted to watch a show about an exploding wale in Japan but couldn't because my sisters wanted to sleep (jerks).

Mea Culpa

So, I went back to the family farm for Christmas like I do every year. It was super fantastic, no fights, very little yelling, and lots of great watery smiles. We went to my Dad's family Christmas on Christmas Eve where we got to see my aunt's new boobs for the first time. They were very nice looking, although I couldn't look at them straight on, staring at a family member's boobs is like looking at an eclipse, they should never be viewed full on.

A fabby time was had by all, although I have to admit I was a little sad that we didn't make it to the Christmas light display in the city this year. We did, however, find a ridiculously decorated house a few blocks from church after Christmas Eve services.

To derail wildly from the original topic: I'm not a huge fan of my parents church, just a lot of personal issues: the new pastor is kind of an ass. He decided that the church needed one of those swinging incense thingies that Catholics have (my family is Missouri-Synod Lutheran). The first time he used it he accidentally smoked the entire congregation - none of them were very forgiving and when he overloaded it a bit the next service you could feel the eye rolling going on. A guy I've spoken to maybe twice since he started coming tapped me on the shoulder and told me loudly during the sermon how ridiculous it was. Lutherans DO NOT talk or make noise during service (which is why I was always a terrible member).

This is probably not amusing to anyone else, but I giggle a bit every time I think of that 20 something pompous wind-bag choking on his own incense. I'm obviously a terrible person.

Okay, back on track: Christmas day was great, lots of good fun that is funny and all that. I got Dad an MP3 player already loaded with songs, however, once it was plugged into my sisters laptop to play on speakers it automatically downloaded her songs and deleted mine. So now Dad has the Spice Girls and other pop music phenoms from the 90's. He's a little less than thrilled about that.

Our big gift was the trip to the mountains that we left for the following day.

Family Christmas Parties

Let's discuss Family Christmas first.

If you have a small family, a Family Christmas (yes both words MUST be capitalized) may not terrify you the way it does me. If you are one of the lucky few with 10 or less people in your family in three generations . . . well, I hate you, I guess.

For the rest of us here's what we have to look forward to:

- As many as 4 or 5 Family Christmas
- Travel on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
- Fights
- Double booking parties
- Fights about double bookings
- Awkward gift exchanges
- Sharing
- Aunts who smell and want hugs
- Lipstick prints from aforementioned aunts
- Offensive jokes from uncles
- Cousins you hate
- Fights
- Christmas Mass with the entire family

Here are the unspoken rules for the many family gatherings you'll have during Christmas:

1. DO NOT under any circumstances mention any of the following:

your uncle's recent trip to the Betty,

your great aunts funeral and who did and did not show up

your younger cousin's possible mental illness and/or serial killer in-the-making tendencies

the recent release of your grandfather from prison and the "new friends" he made while there

the current living arrangements for half of your family

the money that your older brother owes you from that drug deal that went south on him two years ago

your mother's latest and greatest nervous breakdown

2. DO NOT comment on a new photo, painting, statuary unless you are prepared to listen to a story that goes on for 30 minutes and provides nothing of value or interest.

3. Just give in and play Carrom, Super Smash Bros, Slap Jack, or Catch Phrase with your younger cousins. You know you'll have to at some point, just remember to protect your knuckles in Carrom, shield your face if you win at Smash, wear gloves during Slap Jack, and keep it clean in Catch Phrase

4. Have some pie, even if you don't like it, you have to have at least one piece unless you want your Great Aunt Mona to cry, do you want her to cry, why do you hate her pie, WHY DO YOU HATE HER?????

5. Fall asleep early and often on the nearest couch. Yes people will make jokes about it the rest of the year, however, you get out of talking to people, cleaning up, don't have to give up your seat, AND you get rest and relaxation. If you find you can't fall asleep surrounded by 30 people, just pretend, start writing your next novel in your head or something. Get creative.

6. If you are relegated to the cold floor out of respect or fear of your elders make sure your placement is no where near someone over the age of 60. This is not ageism, it is merely self-preservation. These people have just finished a very large, very gaseous meal, they are old, they aren't able to hold in their emissions, even if they could they wouldn't. They're old, they'll do what they want. Stay up wind.

7. Enjoy the kiddie table. Yes you're sitting in the coldest room in the house, at the smallest table, in the worst chairs, with the messiest eaters, so what. Treasure this time, because if you ever do move up to the adult table you'll just have awkward conversations, be forced to look at pictures of children and grandchildren who "couldn't make it but wished they were here", and pretending you can't smell the caster oil and hemorrhoid creme seeping from the red hat lady sitting beside you.

8. Be vicious during the gift exchange. It's called Rob Your Neighbor for a a reason. Don't be afraid to do it, it's the only revenge you're allowed to take for the trauma you're enduring. Take that silly putty from the 7 year old, steal that antique ironing board from your newly married and moved cousin, but stay away from anything in a bag if you pick from the pile, wrapping paper is your only smart choice. Unless it feels like books, the books are ALWAYS bad.

9. If you're already the favorite of a certain relative make sure to hang out as much as possible with that person. It never hurts to reinforce how awesome you are. Sure it may not result in any physical gain, but you can lord it over all the other family members your age. If you aren't anyone's favorite find the meanest most senile one and take turns tossing zingers at each other. It's fun for you and them, plus if you say something too mean they'll forget later.

10. Finally, enjoy everything about it. Sure, you're family isn't all sunshine and roses, but no one's is. This family is yours though and that makes it better. If you get frustrated, bored, insulted, or hurt just take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective. It's fucking funny, don't even pretend it isn't.

Ahh Family.

Christmas Parties

Are inherently awkward.

There I said it, that thing that everyone always thinks but never says because anything that has "party" in the title should be fun, right?

Wrong. Christmas parties are just rife (ripe? what's the correct phrase? I just googled it and both could work, but rife fits better. I win) with opportunities to make everyone uncomfortable and get your invitation for next year revoked.

There are three types of Christmas parties, each one with it's own unique set of rules, expectations and traumatic ways to go wrong: Family Christmas, Friends Christmas, and Office Christmas.

Lets Discuss these in the following posts, shall we?

More Christmas Past

My Senior year of high school was the first time I was ever able to afford to buy gifts for others.

Honestly that's what changed my whole Christmas experience. All the fun came back. I was finally able to treasure the gifts I got because I realized how much thought, time, and care went in to picking them out, because I had spent months doing the same for them. Every gift was precious because it was from them, because all they wanted to do was make me happy. Put that smile on my face, you know the one, the one that comes along when someone finds you that perfect gift. That gift that you didn't even know you wanted. That something that proved that they knew you so perfectly and cared about you so much.

That's my goal with Christmas every year, finding something that gives them that smile. I don't manage it every year, but I see it enough to keep me going.

So that's my Christmas Secret. Why I love Christmas so much, why I start listening to Christmas music on December 1st and keep listening until it goes off the air. Why I want to spend every spare moment with the ones I love. Why I love wrapping presents with expensive and beautiful wrapping paper. Why I write Christmas cards every year. Why it's hard to frown in December.

It's just around the corner. Spread the Christmas Love.

Christmas

I know, I know, it's still to early to do a Christmas post. I'm going to do one any way.


I used to be a real Grinch during the Christmas season. I remember in Middle School how much I hated what I considered a pale imitation of a pagan festival put on by Hallmark. Still, as Christmas got closer I'd get a childlike joy that I worked hard to squash into a tiny, bitter, little ball by Christmas Eve. I'd sit through Christmas services at church with a smirk on my face, attend my Great-Aunts Christmas Eve Party with an eye roll and a plead for my parents to let us leave in an hour. After the party we would always drive around looking at Christmas lights, I would pretend I was asleep in the car. We'd get home and Mom would make us change into the most horrific matching Christmas pajamas in the world. My sisters and I would dutifully put them on and go to bed.

The next morning we would all wait for our Grandparents to arrive, open our presents and after everything was open a terrible, awful, hateful thought would run through my mind: Is this it? Even as a preteen monster I felt awful for feeling that way. I couldn't figure out what I was missing, why Christmas stopped being fun, why I wasn't happy or excited for it any more.

It wasn't even about not getting what I wanted for Christmas, my parents always pulled out all the stops and I'll be the first to admit that my sisters and I were incredibly blessed and even spoiled by them during Christmas. It was something that I couldn't understand. Why was Christmas always such a huge build up and then such a huge letdown?

I felt that way until my Senior year of High School.